One year ago today I experienced one of the worst moments of my life. We lost our precious baby when I was just 5 weeks pregnant. Those who have never experienced this will never know the depth of the grief, the questions, and the fear that follows.
This past year has been one of the most challenging years of my life in a variety of ways. I’ve dealt with anger, deep sadness, and loneliness. Maybe you’d never even notice. Normally I’m an open book, wearing my emotions on my sleeve, as my dad would say. Miscarriage is a complicated topic. In one sense you need so much support, understanding, and love from those around you. But on the other hand, you don’t want anyone to know. You don’t want to talk about it. You somehow feel guilt even though there’s nothing that could have been done. It’s a hard place to be.
The biggest thing I’ve learned from this past year is that I’m not alone in this. Although I may feel loneliness at times, I’m not the only one feeling these emotions. I’ve spent the past year in awe of the fellowship of other women in my life who have experienced the same thing. I learned that I have close friends and family who have had this same type of hurt and grief. No doubt, they’ve had the same questions and fears. It is so true that we become closer to those who can empathize with us and I’ve definitely experienced that. I’ve also known God in different ways. Although I knew He was my Comforter, my Healer, and my Friend, He become those things at a different level. My faith was tested through my miscarriage and the pregnancy that followed. I never questioned His goodness. I just found myself running to Him so much more, like a child running into the arms of her father when she’s afraid of a thunderstorm. He placed His arms around me in the form of community. It was this new community of women who knew me on a different level. They prayed with me and for me. They reached out to see how I was doing. One of the most special moments was when my friend Sophi gave me a bracelet with Zachariah’s name, the date he went to heaven, and a symbol reminding me that Christ is greater than my ups and downs. Oh, how true that has been. Our Life Group gave us a beautiful wind chime that makes the most wonderful sound when a gentle breeze flows through. It truly sounds heavenly and I am reminded of my baby who I will never hold until I reach heaven. But, I am also reminded of the promise of heaven. Jesus is preparing a place for me. He was preparing a place for little Zachariah. I know I will meet my baby one day.
This miscarriage didn’t just affect me and my husband. It also affected my oldest son. Bradley has always been pretty in tune with people’s emotions, but when he saw me crying that day he reached a new level of compassion. I could see the concern in his eyes. He was worried about his Mommy. I’m sure he had so many questions too. It was so hard telling him that the baby in Mommy’s belly went to heaven before we had a chance to meet. For weeks after that, any time he saw that I looked a little sad he would ask if I was sad about the baby. The answer was always yes, but I had to remind him that one day Mommy won’t seem so sad all the time. Ever since then, I see those big blue eyes looking at me with concern whenever I cry about anything. He always comes to me and touches my arm or gives me a hug, even though he doesn’t know why I’m crying. He doesn’t even ask. He just comforts me. What a gift he is.
Today my rainbow baby is 7 weeks old. Travis James has been nothing short of a precious gift to our family. I can’t imagine life without him. One day Travis and Zachariah will meet and I just smile thinking of that moment. I’m grateful for all four of my babies. Bradley, Joshua, Zachariah, and Travis, Mommy loves you so much. More than you could ever know. But even more than that, God loves you. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to show and teach you His love for you. I just can imagine Zachariah celebrating at the moment of salvation for each of you, when those days come. What a special day that will be.
I want to end this with saying that if anyone is struggling after miscarriage, please reach out to someone. I know it may be hard, but I promise there will be someone who will listen, give you a hug, and offer comfort. Things like this can bring strangers together in a special bond. If you feel like you have no one to talk to, contact me and I will pray with you, pray for you, and offer a listening ear. No one should grieve alone. Always remember that there’s a loving Father in heaven who sees you. He is El Roi “The God who sees you.” I’ve come to know that in so many ways this year. He is always good even when things in life are bad. His love is always there.
Just Live, All In 