This title randomly came to me one day after God revealed something to me that I didn’t even realize about myself. It was a sort of insecurity inside of me that formed from my lack of confidence in who I was back in high school. I entered high school basically wondering how I was “supposed” to act or dress or talk. I was newly saved and very immature in many ways. Part of my insecurity probably stemmed from experiences in middle school. Big shocker, middle school was hard. It was probably my hardest and least enjoyable season of my school years. That is no one’s fault. It’s just the way middle school seems to go for just about everyone. I faced some rejection in middle school that I didn’t understand. Teasing for getting good grades, mean comments from girls I literally never even talked to, and all of these different cliques starting to form as if I was supposed to belong to one. In a way, I wanted to belong to one, but on the other hand I didn’t. I didn’t want to be placed in a box and feel like I’m “limited” to my clique to find friendship.
High school was a much different experience for me. It was a fresh start. I met a lot of nice people who accepted me for whoever I was, even if I wasn’t sure of who that was just yet. My biggest identifier in high school was my sport. Basketball. It was my comfort zone. It was the place I opened up and talked. Maybe my true self was revealed somewhere on that court. The more I think about who I was on the court and who I am now, I realize there are a lot of similarities. I was a hard worker, dedicated to my one sport. I wanted to be better, always. I loved playing on a team. I loved celebrating victories with my teammates. I took the losses personally, thinking of all of the things I should have done better to help my team. More rebounds, a made shot, a better pass, more endurance. What can I do to be better? Now, as a wife and a mother, I have those same thoughts in my head, but in a different context. Now my team is me and my husband, even our whole family in some cases. Instead of celebrating a win after a game, we get to celebrate anniversaries, moments where our kids learn something, or a good meal that everyone actually likes. When something goes wrong, although on the outside I may sometimes play the blame game, I’m wondering what I should have done differently. How can I make the conversation end with a resolution over an argument? On the court, I was willing to give up my comfort, expend my energy, and sharpen my focus to work towards the goal of winning a game and serving my team. Now I do those things for my family. I give up sleep, push through when I’m sick, and put my husband and kids first. I also realized some new things. I like budgeting, I like finding ways to save money at the grocery store, I like meal planning. I love to crochet and I don’t care who calls me an old lady for it 🙂 I love organizing, cleaning my house, and cooking. I never knew that was in me until I entered this season of life.
Despite that realization, there was still this feeling of wanting to prove myself to my former high school classmates. It’s like I wanted them to see that I was more than the basketball girl. My potential was more than just in a sport. Maybe this seems silly, or maybe it’s relatable. Maybe I’m really just wanting my high school self to know that one day I would become more. I would become a wife, a mother, a gardener, a homemaker, and so much more. So, to my high school self, don’t worry about what the world tells you to be. First, focus on who God says you are. You are loved, cherished, valued, highly favored, forgiven, free, washed white as snow. You are chosen to fulfill a high calling. You are a friend of God. If I knew those things in my heart back then, I wonder what may have been different. I’ll never know. But maybe this can encourage someone else at that stage of life. This part of your life is so temporary. If you know who you are in Christ, nothing else matters. He demonstrated your value on a cross before you were ever born. Before you had a chance to perform to show your worth, He was showing your worth as He gave His life. No skills we have can ever change our worth. The Creator of the world knows you inside and out and HE LOVES YOU. I’ve been a little obsessed with a chapter from Psalms lately because it magnifies God in a beautiful way. It brings my focus off of myself and on to Him. I’ve included it below. Take your time and soak in the beauty of the Scripture.
I just recently learned in church that any time you see “LORD” in all capital letters it is supposed to be read as “I AM.” It makes this passage even more powerful!
Psalm 145
I will extol You, my God, O King;
And I will bless Your name forever and ever.
Every day I will bless You,
And I will praise Your name forever and ever.
Great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised;
And His greatness is unsearchable.
One generation shall praise Your works to another,
And shall declare Your mighty acts.
I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty,
And on Your wondrous works.
Men shall speak of the might of Your awesome acts,
And I will declare Your greatness.
They shall utter the memory of Your great goodness,
And shall sing of Your righteousness.
The LORD is gracious and full of compassion,
Slow to anger and great in mercy.
The LORD is good to all,
And His tender mercies are over all His works.
All your works shall praise You, O LORD,
And Your saints shall bless You.
They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom,
And talk of Your power,
To make known to the sons of men His mighty acts,
And the glorious majesty of His kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
And Your dominion endures throughout all generations.
The LORD upholds all who fall,
And raises up all who are bowed down.
The eyes of all look expectantly to You,
And You give them their food in due season.
You open Your hand
And satisfy the desire of every living thing.
The LORD is righteous in all His ways,
Gracious in all His works.
The LORD is near to all who call upon Him,
To all who call upon Him in truth.
He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him;
He also will hear their cry and save them.
The LORD preserves all who love Him,
But all the wicked He will destroy.
My mouth shall speak the praise of the LORD,
And all flesh shall bless His holy name
Forever and ever.
Just Live, All In 