This post has been building in my mind for several weeks now. I kept wanting to sit down and write it, but honestly I just kept avoiding it. It wasn’t that I was afraid of facing the reality. It was actually because I knew that this would require so much emotional energy. I know my story isn’t uncommon, but I do believe I’m meant to share it. So here we go…
First I feel like I need to explain how any of this got started. About a year ago I had the “baby fever” that I felt when my first son was about a year old. We knew we wanted a second child so that was an easy decision to decide we were ready. But a third? We honestly thought we were not going to have any more. We decided that I would stay at home with our boys after our second and that had a huge financial impact on us. We didn’t even know if we could afford it. Trying to move forward with wisdom, we decided to just wait and see if that “baby fever” feeling would go away. Well, it didn’t. When we finally decided that this was what we wanted it was around Thanksgiving. We had to make an adjustment to our insurance so that caused us to wait a little longer. Then in January of 2023 my husband was in the ER with high blood pressure. He was having some other symptoms as well that had no explanation. This placed some major medical bills in our hands. The money we would have been saving for a bigger vehicle ended up going to those medical bills. We gave that month a rest since we wanted to make sure my husband was okay. Finally we thought we were ready to try for baby #3.
I got pregnant right away and everything seemed great. We told our 3 year old son and he was happy and excited. We celebrated together. We told our family. Then one morning I noticed some bleeding. I immediately contacted my midwife and let her know. She instructed me to take another pregnancy test. On this day I was 5 weeks along. I took the pregnancy test. Negative. I was devastated. I told my midwife. I told Scott. I told my parents. I told our Life Group from church. We had to explain it to our 3 year old son who had such concern on his face seeing Mommy crying so hard. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was almost in disbelief. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Miscarriage? I’ve only heard of other women experiencing that. Surely I wasn’t going to experience that. And yet here I was.
We received so much support from friends and family. I learned that many women who are close to me have also experienced at least one miscarriage. I hurt with them. They were hurting with me. A good friend suggested we name our baby in heaven to help with the grieving process. At first I didn’t want to. Giving the baby a name would make it feel more real. But yet it was real. I had to acknowledge that. It didn’t take long before we decided on a name. This name was one we had chosen before we were even married. It also had a Biblical meaning that I loved. The name is Zachariah or “The Lord who Remembers.” I now have a bracelet with that name on it to always remember my baby in heaven.
The grieving process is long and hard. So many things would make me cry. Things I wouldn’t expect. Sometimes it would be absolutely nothing and I would cry. The pain was like nothing else I’ve ever felt. I was grieving someone I didn’t even know. Yet I knew it was my child and now I would have to wait until I reach heaven to ever hold this precious child. Sometimes my son would ask questions. “Are you still sad about the baby, Mommy?” “Is the baby back in your belly?” Those were hard questions to answer. He deserved an answer though. One gift I received through this pain was his incredible compassion and love. He would give me hugs and kisses, tell me he loves me, and draw pictures for me. My husband and I were closer all of a sudden. We had never shared a grief like this before. We hugged and kissed and said “I love you” more than ever. Our Life Group gave us a beautiful chime to hang outside. Every time I hear it, it’s like music from heaven. I had this beautiful picture in my head of my grandmother holding my baby in heaven. She never got to hold either of my babies, but now that she and this baby are in heaven, she can. One of the hardest things with grieving a loss like this is how the world just keeps going on around you even when you feel like life has frozen, or maybe should have frozen. When people talk to you, when you go to church, when you go grocery shopping, no one knows what you’re carrying. No one knows the grief you are feeling. It taught me to be more understanding when someone gives me a hard time or maybe walks with a frown. Maybe they are going through some invisible hurt that no one knows about.
Part of me thought that getting pregnant again would help me heal. The other part of me was afraid. So when I did get pregnant again I was met with a flood of different emotions. There was guilt. I felt guilty about being so scared. I felt guilty about being happy. I was anxious and fearful with every symptom or lack of certain symptoms. I was afraid of seeing signs of miscarriage again. Every day I was afraid and nervous. I hated feeling that way. I was supposed to be celebrating this new life. Part of me was, but part of me didn’t want to fully latch on to the idea that I had something I could lose again. We waited longer to share the news. Hearing congratulations became weird. How can I associate the word “congratulations” with this mixture of negative emotions I’ve been feeling? My pregnancy became a prayer request more than a praise. I was just so afraid of losing another baby.
God gave me a precious gift of hope one day when I shared the news with a good friend. The previous week she was praying for me during worship. Little did I know, that God was sharing news with her that I wouldn’t even confirm until later that week. So when I told her I was pregnant she said she knew it! She could feel it in her spirit the previous week during worship. That was why she was praying for me. Amazing. What a gift of hope from the Lord.
Throughout all of this, the grief, the fear, and the anxiety, I knew God was so close to me. I never felt like He was abandoning me. I know Him too well to be able to think that way. He is near the brokenhearted and my heart was broken for sure. He tells me not to fear because He is with me. Although I never want to grieve another baby of mine, I can say for certain that I will be okay because God will be with me. He gives a peace that passes all understanding. He has proven Himself to be good. He is a good Father. He has proven His love for me already and I never have to doubt that. I cannot blame God for the trials I go through. Sin brings forth death into this world. It’s just a part of the world now. Bad things happen because the world is tainted with sin. It doesn’t mean that my personal sin caused my loss. It’s just in the air, it’s all around us. This world is not my home. My home is in heaven where there’s perfection, no sin, no death, no tears.
So today as I am writing this I am 10 weeks pregnant. I didn’t wait the usual 12 weeks like many do, but I definitely waited longer than I normally would to share the news. And just to be clear, I am EXCITED! I can’t wait to meet this baby. We have decided not to find out the gender until birth. What a surprise that will be! We are planning another home birth and I am just so excited. I’m excited to have my three babies on earth as we wait to meet my fourth baby in heaven. Currently my due date is January 4, 2024. We told our oldest son that he’s getting a little baby sibling right after Christmas (as if he needed one more reason to wish for Christmas to be tomorrow). I’m pretty sure this baby will be born knowing a billion Christmas songs courtesy of his/her oldest brother. And courtesy of my younger son, he/she will be learning about “airpanes,” “nanas,” “chains”(trains), and “peezzaaaa” (pizza). Our Rusty Roo will yet again have the opportunity to sit on his human sibling while in the womb, before he/she is big enough to give strangling hugs of love. To my baby girl or boy in heaven, Mommy will see you one day. Keep Boosha and my Pop company for us. She will probably have you on one cheek and Linda on the other with her big smile of joy. My Pop will be entertaining you with Donald Duck voices and sneaky tickles when he gives you a hug. Baby girl or baby boy in my belly, Mommy loves you and we can’t wait to meet you, precious gift from God!
Just Live, All In 